Tuesday, October 23, 2007


This is not being written for people to “stroke me” or tell me that I can write or that I will be okay. It is merely my observations and thoughts today. As you read this, you will see that I am filled with self doubt and fear today. It is one of those days for me. I know who to thank for this and that is not meant kindly. For so long I was told how useless and worthless I was and I have not overcome those feelings. They manage to creep back when I least expect them. With time, I am sure they will change and I will know that I am useful and worthy.

I fancy myself a writer and a poet in my mind. Then I read my favorite blogs and I am intimidated by the post on them. I question why did I ever think I could write? Those posts seem so polished and professional and then I read mine. I seem to ramble on about nothing even though I have all these profound thoughts in my mind. At least I think they are profound.

In fact, I visited at least ten blogs this morning and only left a couple of comments. One about my obsession with coffee and one for someone taking a break from blogging for a while. The intimidation extends to comments I may want to leave because I was touched by the words of the blogger. I do not want to seem patronizing to the bloggers but so many times their post seem to express my feelings that it is scary to see that others feel as I do. What I want to ask is how, do you get past these feelings when you do not have the energy to do so? I want to cry, scream, yell, hide under the covers, withdraw from life. In other words, I feel like a child that has a tantrum. Would it do any good? No!!! Does expressing these feelings on paper do any good? Maybe, maybe not. I only know that I have to get this out of my system or I will cease to exist.


Jeni said...

To answer your question about crying, screaming, yelling and the like - would it do any good? Well, if you walked out in the street and did that, probably not. They'd probably carry you off entangled in a big butterfly net or some such contraption.
But, you are right in that you DO have to work those feelings through, to get to the person deep inside and writing them down -whether you decide to post them entirely or only in part, that decision is up to you, but do write them down. Read them over to yourself and answer them point for point too -honestly too! If something you hit on is a truth, acknowledge that but if it is something that has been shoved at you and you know it is wrong, then answer it and tell yourself - in another writing perhaps - why, exactly, it is a lie! It's like remodeling a house where the foundation is good in someplaces, a bit crumbly in others - you have to find the bad bricks, look them over and toss them out and using the bricks still sturdy, begin to rebuild from the inside out.
And don't worry about how you sound in comments - you're fine! Just fine and dandy with 'em. If a piece really hits the mark with you, tell that person and why it makes you feel one way or another. It's a bit of cement you're putting in around those good bricks you'll be finding there! Trust me.

RUTH said...

What a fabulous comment from Jeni.
Never be frightened of a rant and a rave...it's part of being human.

Jeni said...

As I was saying - and Ruth added to it - comment away!