Tuesday, January 30, 2007

At this Moment

It has not been my intention to be so sad and morose in my writings on this blog. At this moment in my life there are things that I have to work through and address the grief. I have been using the blog as a way to do that. When I write, my feelings and thoughts are exposed and I am forced to deal with them. Not try to pretend they don’t exist or will simply go away.

This is a part of the healing process that I am going through. At times we all have things in our lives that have to be dealt with. How we deal with them is an individual choice. I have chosen writing for my blog and have also started to write poetry about the events in my life. It has taken every bit of courage I can muster to expose myself to the world but it is necessary. Perhaps there is someone else going through the same sort of thing in their life and if they read this, then they will know they are not alone.

I have included an email sent to a friend of mine. It was written after a day of talking about this moment in my life. The last sentence sums up how I feel about people that are a part of my life now. Please just listen to me, you don’t have to respond in anyway, just listen to me.

The email sent to a friend:

Last night after I went to bed, I felt so alone. After getting my feelings out in the open how my marriage was, no intimacy, etc. I realized how much I missed having someone next to me. Someone just hold me, give me a hug and tell me that things will be okay.

I realized how tired I am of starting my life over, dusting myself off and moving on. Putting on a happy face so no one can see the pain and doubt. Maybe it's because I am older now, but this time I have been knocked so far down, I am having a hard time getting up. Just when I think I have made progress, I let those negative feelings creep in. I am tired of taking care of myself, always have to be independent. I want someone to take care of me for a change. I am tired of making decisions alone. I am tired, well I am just tired.

People around me now, with the exception of you, my new friend, don't understand. They think I should be able to forget everything and put it away as if nothing happened and they don't take it seriously. They don't understand that grief is a part of my life for the moment and I have to work through it. Not grief over him, but grief because a part of me has died and grief because I let it happen.

I have tried to tell them the things that I have shared with you; they interrupt me and change the subject. They don't want to hear what I have to say. It embarrasses them and they don't have a clue how to respond. They don't realize, I don't need a response from them, only for them to listen so they will know me and my world at the moment.

3 comments:

Ashley said...

(((hugs)))

You seem like such a strong woman. I hope my strength comes with age, otherwise I might be in trouble.

Inmatez Wife said...

What a beautiful post, thank you so much for sharing that with us. You are so right, people (in general) do not like to hear about others pain, they like to solve it. There are times we all just need to be heard, to have our feelings validated by someone else. We all have the answers inside of us, however, we need to be ready for them. Everyone can tell you what they want, but until we go through our process, we can not move on. Grieve, be sad, cry, stay in bed, and then, one day, you will want to get up, you will be happy, you will be ready to laugh. You just take your time, and do this in your own way. You are a strong woman, and I have faith that you will overcome this obstacle in your life, as soon as you are ready to.

Lloyd Irving Bradbury said...

to have some do for you is freedom lost
to learn to do is freedom found
sef is not to be sacrificed
good thought provoking writing