Sunday, January 21, 2007

Other Things

I am alone for the weekend, thank you Lord. I am currently staying with my son and his partner of 17 years. They have gone to Chicago and will be back late tonight, so I have about 12 more hours of this day to enjoy. I have already posted to my blog, had a shower, put on a load of laundry, taken the dog out, had breakfast and in two hours I am going to watch football. During all this there have been numerous thoughts going through my mind.

First and foremost, I have to get a place of my own. That was my intention when I arrived in late September but my son and his partner said we would all go together and buy a house so each of us would have more space and privacy. So far, they are still looking for a house to buy and I have come to the conclusion that no matter where or what we move into, it will not work. I need to be able to have my own things and do things as I want to. The issues we have will not disappear and will only move with us. Don’t get me wrong, not all has been bad. My son has made me realize that I needed to take more pride in myself by asking a simple question. “What happened to you? I remember your wearing makeup and dressing better.” My next step in this process is to have the courage to tell them when they return. I have already looked online at apartments in the area and am considering moving back to where I was raised. Not really sure which option I will choose. Once again, I failed to listen to my “inner voice” and here I thought I had progressed. The good thing is that it is never to late to listen.

The other thought that is prominent in my mind is I HAVE TO QUIT SMOKING!!!!!! I have smoked since I was 27 years old and I only started then because all the people I worked with smoked and stupid me thought it was cool and I wanted to fit in with the group. Little did I know that smoking would become an addiction. I have numerous medical conditions which are aggravated by smoking and more than likely would not exist if I had not started smoking. I have “stopped” several times, the latest being May of 2006 through the end of September 2006. Then I made a life change (left an abusive marriage and moved across the country) and during the stress of this change I started smoking again. I feel ashamed and guilty that I started smoking again and to be truthful it hasn’t helped with the stress. I don’t really enjoy smoking, my health is suffering, everything smells like smoke but yet I don’t want to quit. What is wrong with me? Do I have a secret death wish or am I just stupid? I know it is an addiction and I know that I am strong enough to overcome it with help and support, but haven’t taken the step to quit again.

I have tried all the stop smoking aids there are on the market and only one has ever worked and that is a lozenge, in fact I have some sitting right by the computer and a cigarette on the other side. Sick isn’t it? People who have never smoked cannot understand why we who do smoke can’t just stop. Smoking is a drug addiction, like heroin, cocaine, etc. and it often takes years for addicts to overcome their addictions. Some never do. Will power is not enough for the majority of us. I have researched stop smoking aids again and there is a new medication that blocks the nicotine from the brain. It has to be taken for at least 12 weeks. The medication is expensive but if you add up all the money spent on cigarettes in that 12 week period, you would have more than enough to pay for the prescription.

The only thing I know for sure is that I HAVE TO QUIT SMOKING!!!!!! someway, somehow.

Copyright © 2007 Sylvia A. Feeley All Rights Reserved


beautiful_disaster said...

I might not be able to understand the addiction. And i'm sure that you hate it when people say "i understand," yet never have experienced it themselves. My brother has been smoking since he was about 15. I have been trying to tell him to STOP smoking yet he hasn't. The only thing I have been trying to get through his head is that smoking does indeed kill. He thinks of himself as invincible. Well, no one is. I think that people need to learn for themselves, they can never just take peoples advice. So, I'm hoping you at least consider mine. I'm sure that smoking is not an easy thing to just "quit." But, is anything in life easy anymore? You must never give up. Everyone has the capability. If you want it bad enough, you will surpass this inconvenience that has come upon you. I have all my hopes for you. I know that you will overcome this setback. -Lone and Misunderstood

azgraylady63 said...

Thanks for the comment. I will never give up and you are correct in that nothing in life is easy. You have be willing to undertake the hard things and overcome them.