At this Moment

It has not been my intention to be so sad and morose in my writings on this blog. At this moment in my life there are things that I have to work through and address the grief. I have been using the blog as a way to do that. When I write, my feelings and thoughts are exposed and I am forced to deal with them. Not try to pretend they don’t exist or will simply go away.

This is a part of the healing process that I am going through. At times we all have things in our lives that have to be dealt with. How we deal with them is an individual choice. I have chosen writing for my blog and have also started to write poetry about the events in my life. It has taken every bit of courage I can muster to expose myself to the world but it is necessary. Perhaps there is someone else going through the same sort of thing in their life and if they read this, then they will know they are not alone.

I have included an email sent to a friend of mine. It was written after a day of talking about this moment in my life. The last sentence sums up how I feel about people that are a part of my life now. Please just listen to me, you don’t have to respond in anyway, just listen to me.

The email sent to a friend:

Last night after I went to bed, I felt so alone. After getting my feelings out in the open how my marriage was, no intimacy, etc. I realized how much I missed having someone next to me. Someone just hold me, give me a hug and tell me that things will be okay.

I realized how tired I am of starting my life over, dusting myself off and moving on. Putting on a happy face so no one can see the pain and doubt. Maybe it's because I am older now, but this time I have been knocked so far down, I am having a hard time getting up. Just when I think I have made progress, I let those negative feelings creep in. I am tired of taking care of myself, always have to be independent. I want someone to take care of me for a change. I am tired of making decisions alone. I am tired, well I am just tired.

People around me now, with the exception of you, my new friend, don't understand. They think I should be able to forget everything and put it away as if nothing happened and they don't take it seriously. They don't understand that grief is a part of my life for the moment and I have to work through it. Not grief over him, but grief because a part of me has died and grief because I let it happen.

I have tried to tell them the things that I have shared with you; they interrupt me and change the subject. They don't want to hear what I have to say. It embarrasses them and they don't have a clue how to respond. They don't realize, I don't need a response from them, only for them to listen so they will know me and my world at the moment.

A Couple of Things

First of all, I read with sadness this morning that Barbaro had to be euthanized. I have followed his story with interest since the time of the injury he sustained. I kept cheering for him and each time there was a setback, I wondered if he would make it through. To have survived as long as he did, shows he is a true champion.

The second thing is my age is showing. I have been browsing through blogs and well I don't know what to say. There are many in different languages, some are well written, some have content that is offensive at least to me, some cause my browser to crash, others cause unwanted sites to appear, some don't have a Navbar and the list goes on. My wish is that instead of next blog, there was a way to get a list of blogs by either a category (creator would choose at time of blog creation), by their titles or some other way to select the ones I want to read. Maybe there already is a way to do this and I just haven't found it. If anyone reads this and knows of a way this can be done, a comment with how to do this would be appreciated.

I know that when I do find a blog I like, I can add a link to my blog or add it to my Favorites List. The point is that it takes forever to find those blogs. I suppose this would be a monumental task to create a database to accomplish this.

Three Little Words "I am sorry"

Expressing three little words, “I am sorry” is never comfortable. Once it becomes necessary to say these words, provide an explanation so the recipient understands why they are being offered. Although, it is difficult to apologize, an apology will clear the air and all can move forward. These three words, “I am sorry” must never be taken lightly and not conveyed unless they come from the heart and are sincere. Never use them frivolously since that will not benefit anyone, especially the recipient. The motivation for an apology should be a desire to correct a wrong. All apologies will not be accepted. Do not allow nonacceptance to become an obstacle or deterrent from expressing them again if the need arises.

Recognizing what occurred that requires an apology, is never easy. If we take heed, our “gut” feelings will permit us to recognize when an apology is necessary. “Gut” feelings are those feelings that keep nagging at us that is not right, repair the damage! As we go through the process of recognition and apology, the need to verbalize these three words, “I am sorry” will diminish. Throughout this process, awareness will develop and you will begin to consider your words before you speak or take action that could injure someone’s heart and soul. In the end, a maturity will evolve resulting in making you a better person for having said, “I am sorry”.

These three little words, “I am sorry” in truth are the largest three words you can ever express to anyone.

Copyright © 2007 Sylvia A. Feeley All Rights Reserved

Yesterdays

Yesterdays by Billy rob (Bill Hopkins)

I searched in all our secret places
and I know they are not there.
When you left, you either took them
or hid them all away somewhere.

I saw them quite clearly yesterday,
they were right before my eyes.
They still held the hopes and dreams
that today I know were lies.

I admit you have me quite confused
as to why you made them part,
but with you gone it doesn't matter
if I never see them start.

If you took them with you, keep them,
I cannot use them, anyway.
Tomorrows can never really come
when one lives in yesterdays.

This poem and others by Billy rob can be found at http://www.poems-and-quotes.com/


Copyright©2006Billy Rob Hopkins Used with permission

Today Is One of Those Days

Depression loses its power when fresh vision pierces the darkness. - By Peter SInclair

I am having “one of those days” today. Self-doubt and negative talk are creeping into my brain. I feel sad, alone, worthless, indecisive, depressed, you name it, and I feel it. I can’t or don’t want to do anything at all. I just want to sit in a corner and suck my thumb. I wish there was someone here to talk to, (can’t afford a physiatrist). My feeble attempt at humor and not a very good one at that.

I am questioning where I should go with my life. I don’t know which path I should take. I have made so many wrong turns and choices that I cannot distinguish the right from the wrong today By posting this I am not asking for anything, especially pity I don’t know that pity is the right work to use. I am only expressing myself in the hope that it will rid me of these thoughts and feelings. I thought I had conquered these feelings but I guess there are lingering remnants. As they (WHO IS THEY?) say, I fought the battle but have not won the war. I will keep fighting the battles until there are fewer of them and maybe then the war will be won for me.

Then again, maybe we all have days like this. I sure hope so. As with all things, this too will pass.

After writing these words and reading over them, I have doubt as to whether or not to post this but will anyway. Maybe someone else is having “one of those days” and will know they are not alone.

Poem:

WHICH ONE WILL SHE BE TODAY? by Rubberduckii

Solid

stable, together

unmoveable, stationed, still

she hides the emotions

solid

liquid

uncontrolled, unpredictable

slipping, falling, showing

she finally breaks down

liquid.

This poem and others by rubberduckii can be found at http://www.poems-and-quotes.com/

Copyright © 2007 Sylvia A. Feeley All Rights Reserved

Being Angry

It is okay to get angry occasionally, that is normal. What is not normal is to be angry all the time. Life is too short to be mad and angry at everyone and everything. My entire life was spent being angry and now that I let go of the anger, life is more pleasant

The amazing part is that I don’t really know what caused me to be angry or why. I blamed my mother, my upbringing and other people but after much soul searching, I only had myself to blame. I believe that somewhere early in my life I made a decision to be angry.

I read self help books, had counseling but nothing ever seemed to make sense to me and I kept on being the way I was since “I did not have a problem”. Everyone one else had the problem and if they didn’t like the way I was, so be it.

After being married for the last 10 years to a person who was so much like me, that is was like looking in the mirror and seeing myself for the first time. I did not like what I saw and decided I must change and made that change. I am only sorry that it took so long and I am truly sorry for the people around me that were subjected to my behavior. I contacted some of those people and apologized to them. Some of them were receptive and some were not. The biggest regret I have is that my mother passed away before I came to this realization and I never got to apologize to her.

It was difficult for me to accept the mistakes I made but I finally learned from them and moved on. The result for me being a productive and pleasant life.

Copyright © 2007 Sylvia A. Feeley All Rights Reserved

Other Things

I am alone for the weekend, thank you Lord. I am currently staying with my son and his partner of 17 years. They have gone to Chicago and will be back late tonight, so I have about 12 more hours of this day to enjoy. I have already posted to my blog, had a shower, put on a load of laundry, taken the dog out, had breakfast and in two hours I am going to watch football. During all this there have been numerous thoughts going through my mind.

First and foremost, I have to get a place of my own. That was my intention when I arrived in late September but my son and his partner said we would all go together and buy a house so each of us would have more space and privacy. So far, they are still looking for a house to buy and I have come to the conclusion that no matter where or what we move into, it will not work. I need to be able to have my own things and do things as I want to. The issues we have will not disappear and will only move with us. Don’t get me wrong, not all has been bad. My son has made me realize that I needed to take more pride in myself by asking a simple question. “What happened to you? I remember your wearing makeup and dressing better.” My next step in this process is to have the courage to tell them when they return. I have already looked online at apartments in the area and am considering moving back to where I was raised. Not really sure which option I will choose. Once again, I failed to listen to my “inner voice” and here I thought I had progressed. The good thing is that it is never to late to listen.

The other thought that is prominent in my mind is I HAVE TO QUIT SMOKING!!!!!! I have smoked since I was 27 years old and I only started then because all the people I worked with smoked and stupid me thought it was cool and I wanted to fit in with the group. Little did I know that smoking would become an addiction. I have numerous medical conditions which are aggravated by smoking and more than likely would not exist if I had not started smoking. I have “stopped” several times, the latest being May of 2006 through the end of September 2006. Then I made a life change (left an abusive marriage and moved across the country) and during the stress of this change I started smoking again. I feel ashamed and guilty that I started smoking again and to be truthful it hasn’t helped with the stress. I don’t really enjoy smoking, my health is suffering, everything smells like smoke but yet I don’t want to quit. What is wrong with me? Do I have a secret death wish or am I just stupid? I know it is an addiction and I know that I am strong enough to overcome it with help and support, but haven’t taken the step to quit again.

I have tried all the stop smoking aids there are on the market and only one has ever worked and that is a lozenge, in fact I have some sitting right by the computer and a cigarette on the other side. Sick isn’t it? People who have never smoked cannot understand why we who do smoke can’t just stop. Smoking is a drug addiction, like heroin, cocaine, etc. and it often takes years for addicts to overcome their addictions. Some never do. Will power is not enough for the majority of us. I have researched stop smoking aids again and there is a new medication that blocks the nicotine from the brain. It has to be taken for at least 12 weeks. The medication is expensive but if you add up all the money spent on cigarettes in that 12 week period, you would have more than enough to pay for the prescription.

The only thing I know for sure is that I HAVE TO QUIT SMOKING!!!!!! someway, somehow.


Copyright © 2007 Sylvia A. Feeley All Rights Reserved

Beyond My Comprehension

I read the news online everyday at the news channels and newspapers and I cannot believe the things that people do to each other, children and to animals. I am appalled at the behavior these people feel entitled to force upon others. What gives them the right to kill, rape, abuse, kidnap, and destroy the lives of the victims and their families?

There must be some inherent evil in those who commit these acts. A majority are repeat offenders. Perhaps if the punishment they received for their first crime had been harsh enough, there would not be a second one. But then again if they are truly evil, then nothing will deter them other than death.

What do we as a society have to do to stop these acts? Do we build more prisons for the killers, rapists, abusers, kidnappers? Do we take a stand and demand stiffer sentences for them? Or do we sit back and let things be as they are? Do we adopt the punishments of other countries that don’t seem to “coddle” the criminals? Do we let our fellowman; children and animals continue to be the victims? Do we insist that the US Congress and State Governments enact laws with some “teeth” in them to make it more difficult for hardcore criminals to get out of prison? There are no easy answers. But something needs to be done to stop this madness.


Copyright © 2007 Sylvia A. Feeley All Rights Reserved

Starting Over

I recently made a major change in my life and I am starting over. I left my marriage of 10 years. For the first several weeks, I felt quilt, was depressed, not sure I made the right decision, felt like a failure, wasn’t sure if I should stay where I am or go back, felt hopeless, looked at what I didn’t have rather than what I do have. In other words, I was a mess. After discussing the situation with two of my very best friends and I do mean best friends, and a reply to an email I sent to a stranger, I am in a much better place and moving forward.

One day, shortly after I moved here, I was watching a local noon talk show and they had a guest on who seemed to be talking directly to me. She is a therapist and I sent her an email with the subject Help! In the email I told her a few of the details about my life change and how I was feeling. Being the cynical person that I am at times, I didn’t think that I would get a reply but I did and it was just what I needed to “jumpstart” my recovery.

This is what she replied: “Thank you so much for writing! The fact that you survived all those years in an abusive situation says something about your resiliency! You are no longer helpless! Now that you're out, it's going to take time for you to find yourself again.

You probably don't have much confidence (abuse generally takes that away) and what you didn't expect, was to feel so lonely and so empty.

Often, that loneliness and emptiness sends people back to miserable situations. Don't be one of those people!

If you have a few clothes and food and shelter - consider it a start.

Good luck and keep putting one foot in front of the other.”

Sometime in the future, I intend to contact her again with an update and thank her for several things. The first being a response to my email and the second being her words to me. I don’t think that she will ever know how much it helped me.

I am slowly rebuilding my life and regaining my self esteem. I plan to take my time and learn from the mistakes that I made in the situation I was in and with luck I won’t repeat them. I believe that we should all pay attention to our “inner voice” we have when it tells us that something is not right or not good for us. Looking back, if I had only paid attention to that “inner voice”, things would have been much different and I would not have put myself in the situation.


Copyright © 2007 Sylvia A. Feeley All Rights Reserved

Our Inner Voice

I believe that each of us has an “inner voice”. That feeling you get in the pit of your stomach that something is not right or not good for you. I wonder why we don’t listen when the inner voice speaks to us. I am guilty of not listening. If I had listened, certain situations in my life would not have unfolded the way that they have. Once I start to listen and acknowledge the truth, change comes about. I have to learn to trust that voice and be true to whom I am and what I need to do in my life and quit worrying about what other people will think of me for my decisions. I cannot control what people think and as long as I feel my decisions are what is right for me based on my inner voice, I have to make them and continue in a forward direction.


Copyright © 2007 Sylvia A. Feeley All Rights Reserved